The Face of Pain

Chronic illness and the face of pain

I look in the mirror, look at my skin, irritations, and pimples. My hair is sticking out in every direction. I’m looking at myself, but don’t see  myself. I avoid looking into my eyes. The eyes, the windows to the soul. A soul hidden by a wall of pain. I don’t want to see it. The wall that has cratered my face. I see it in a photo, taken without me knowing, or in a glimpse, reflected in a window. It’s hard and soulless. But if I look closely, I see the pain in my eyes, in my tense face. Wrinkles on my head like wounds from a years-long battle with my body.

And only I know that behind that wall of pain, there is also gentleness. There still lives that seven-year-old child, whose heart opens to every animal. There is a creature who loves every child and trusts and hopes for a better future for everyone. Someone who cries for every injustice and the smallest suffering inflicted on another. But the tears haven’t rolled down my cheeks for years, instead they trickle down inside me daily.

If you see a sullen man, with hard eyes, avoiding everything and everyone because he is more pain than human, don’t be too hard on him. His hardness isn’t directed at you, but at himself. Between his eyes and the wall of pain that hides his soul is a sea of tears.

And I see you walking more and more often. Shuffling, struggling through the city. With a cane, a crutch, or a walker. What you possess is what society deems you deserving. Too little to live, but too much to die. You avoid people, your gaze fixed on the ground. I leave you alone because no one knows what it’s like to be in your shoes. But know that I see you, believe in you, and trust you. When I look into your eyes, I know that what lies behind that wall of pain is pure and gentle. A soul battered and broken, hard for yourself, but preserved, gentle and honest for the world. Know that I admire you and see the strength it takes for you to live each day. Know that I wish you everything that makes your life even a little bit easier. Know that you are not alone!