EDS and Dysmorphia

Weggestoßen,
abgestoßen
abgetrennt sein,
losgetrennt sein.
Alles gewollt –
alles gegeben
Drauf sein –
bei dir sein
weg sein –
allein sein
mit mir im Reinen sein
© Ricarda Jo. Eidmann
*
My brain tells me it a hundred times a day. “There is something wrong with you, these thoughts are no good, they are not normal.” I listen, I agree, but I see no way out.

To be able to endure the pain, I detach my body from my consciousness, push it away, and slowly I become estranged from the body parts that hold my life in their grip.

I want to let it go, cut it off, disconnect. My eyes see no body of flesh and blood, but a source of pain, elusive and omnipresent. Broken, shattered, useless.

Compulsive disorder: certainly. Obsession: sure. Depression: constant. But the pain is real. The infections, the subluxations, instability, loss of control and strength.

My body and feelings are a spiral into the dark. I want to cut this spiral, throw it away. No longer experience a feeling that I can’t hold anyway. Leave the definition of what I am behind me and move on living: indeterminate, unbounded, undefined.
*
Dat veel onhaalbaar is gebleken
en zo wanhopig onvervuld
tot aan het allerlaatste teken
van een symbool, in zwart gehuld.
© Willem Wilmink